Friday, October 19, 2007
I have a keen interest in psychology since young, and human behaviour never fails to intrigue me. It always triggers off a lot of “Why?” in me, and sometimes, much as I crave to know the answer, I will never do because humans are creatures too complex for anyone or anything to truly understand. Don’t ask me why I didn’t further pursue psychology & ended up in mass comm. Because, I ask myself that too, sometimes. & yar, I still dunno Why.
Back in sec school, a friend once told me he finds me complex and unpredictable, never knowing how I will react next. But yet, some other friends comment to me that they think I’m a very simple person, or even naïve, because I only see the good in the world and not the bad. Well. Did I change along the years? I dunnoe. I don’t really bother much about what people think of me, but it was just fascinating to hear opposite comments. Simple or complex? Wise or silly? Gullible or contented? Truly happy or optimistic? Sometimes, there’s just a fine line between the two. & depending on where your feet are, you see it from one angle this time, but once you shuffle abit, you see it from the other.
Everyday, you find reports of accidents/deaths splashed across the papers. People die naturally, people die of illnesses, people die in accidents, people die because other people kill them, people die for no reason. It’s just scary how life can be brimming at this moment, but vanish in the next. I wonder what determines our fate, and why is it that good people die young and bad people can live long. It seems childish to ask that, but really, how I wish I had the power to give life. Yar, if everyone can have one superpower, that will be my choice. The Life Giver. But that only happens in sci-fi films, not reality. & I will never have the ability to extend anyone’s life.
The badz gals honestly think the year of the pig hadn’t been a good year for us. All of us fan tai sui, and like what Jen said, it’s a da chong (major clash) for us. Almost all of us. Either had a close one departing from this world, or had freak accidents (like Huimin who suffered a hairline fracture when a padlock dropped onto her toe), or fell out of love, or had bad viral infection, or valuables got stolen and got stuck in foreign land, etc. Maybe it’s all just a coincidence, but I just hope the year passes soon and our fortunes change for the better.
Back to the point of human character, I now understand that humans are sometimes really ignorant, but yet we think that we know everything that’s out there. Haha. We think we know and have been through all the emotions out there. We think we know what is grief, what is love, what is joy, what is heartache, what is disappointment, what is betrayal. I thought I knew too. But this year, I felt so many more new depths of emotions that I’ve never felt before, that I stop in my steps and wonder whether I’ve reached another new dimension, new phase of my life. I really thought I knew and have been through most emotions, but everytime, each one hits me so hard and so deep in an area of my heart that I never knew this feeling existed. Both good and bad, I felt it this year. & that’s when I realized how much more I have to go in my life. How much more there is for me to undergo. How much more joy and bliss I have to enjoy. How much more grief I have to endure. How much more love I have to give and receive.
There are still so many mountains of joy waiting for me to mount, like settling down, having my home, having our own kids (I dreamt of jw and I with our little baby girl in our arms yesterday, can you believe it????), growing old with jw. There are also still so many dark alleys of grief I am going to have to walk, like when my family members leave me, when my body starts to malfunction in future, when my friends lose contact with me one by one as we age.
There’s nothing as blissful as seeing new life coming into this world.
& there’s nothing as sorrowful as saying eternal farewell to someone.
It’s lidat isn’t it? We can’t change these facets of life. We can’t. We just gotta be strong and live on. We gotta be strong for ourselves, for our loved ones, for our friends.
I will be strong. I promise. Jw will be even stronger, I know that. I hope you will be strong too. =)
~Summer~ 4:40 PM