Yes, I am back home safely. Thanks to the kind friends who had read my blog and sent me wishes through fb, sms and all. I do truly appreciate your concern and I promise I will be fine. I always will.
So, I guess after the operation, it means I'm moving on and it's a brand new start in my life. Likewise, I guess my blog should have a new beginning too. So, to all my faithful blog readers, the bad news is I won't be posting on this blog anymore. (Ok, I might, just to say hi when I'm bored or write some jibberish). The good news is I will be moving on to a new one.
Yesh, I came up with the name before the miscarriage, of course. But nonetheless, I will always want to stay positive and be the cheerful summer that I used to be. So, a happy mum is the perfect word to describe me albeit the hurdles I had to cross in the past, now, or in the future. Everyone has, at some point in their lives.
Anyway, while I am still in the midst of chronicling and re-writing some of the important past events of my life, I think my new blog is ready to be published at the same time. New features of my blog include:
- Larger, clearer, nicer pictures
- Blog labels that categorize my postings for easy reading
- Comment box after each post (do leave some comment/feedback to motivate me in doing what I do if you like reading it)
- A facebook 'like' button after every post (if you are shy to comment, at least you can 'like' my post)
- Separate pages to devote space for my passion like art and craft, video making and my beloved baby
I promise I will be diligent and update it frequently, ok? I will also be writing up more on my first ever operation and more updates about my life here in Sweden. Cheers and enjoy reading!
Thank you for supporting It's SummerTime, no matter who you are, no matter where you stay!
Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop as I typed this. I am not allowed to have any food or drinks, I am mentally preparing myself for what's going to happen in a couple of hours, I am still somewhat in denial over what happened.
The truth is as of today, I am 9 weeks pregnant. I still am, because my pregnancy hormones are increasing. The thing is, the doctors told me that my little baby was gone as early, or even earlier than, when I was 6 weeks pregnant. How could it be? I felt more pregnant than my first pregnancy, I had all the symptoms still and even my tummy was starting to show. Jw said that my 2-month old tummy this time looked like my 4-month old tummy previously! We were starting to think of names for our baby, guessing the gender, thinking of where to put the cot, and visualising our last summer hols in Sweden next year as a family of 4!
If not for the few drops of spotting I had at 6w2d, which the midwife actually told me it was nothing to worry and I did not need to go to the hospital, (which I did not heed and insisted on an ultrasound at the A&E), I would still be thinking that I am 9w pregnant now because there were subsequently no signs.
Which was why I told myself to cling on to the hope I have in my heart. The hope I got from reading so many other pregnant mums out there who got misdiagnosed or whose babies showed up only after 8-9 weeks. I waited. One week. Two weeks. Three weeks. I had a total of 4 u/s and all the doctors only verified my worst nightmare.
Sadly, my gestational sac is still empty as of today. Despite it is growing (at a super slow rate) and that my placenta and other pregnancy tissues are forming too. Yes, can you believe it? The only thing missing is a foetus, which alone should measure roughly 2.7cm by now and my sac alone wasn't even 2 cm.
I officially have a blighted ovum. It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the resulting embryo stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Since the gynae said that she believed I did have an embryo, just that it stopped developing, it meant that I did have, but lost, a baby.
There's pretty nothing much anyone can say now that will make me feel better. Yes, I have made peace with this matter and my tears have stopped. Everyone can say things like "At least you are young and can try again", "What matters is you are safe", "Things like that happen around the world", "It probably wasn't meant to be". BUT, the truth is that it still happened to me and nonetheless of how many kids I might have in future, it doesn't alter the sad fact that I just lost my baby. Do you understand? Maybe you will know my grief, if you have been through the same plight. If there was one thing I can remove from this world, it would be miscarriages. All mums deserve to have a safe, happy, healthy kid at the end of every pregnancy.
If you know me, I am such a sentimental, emotional and idealistic person which is why this blow is such a harsh one in my face. And my heart, it is bleeding. For now, I am just hoping that the operation goes smoothly later and tomorrow will be a brand new start. Yes, I'm heeding the doctor's advice, finally, to have a minor operation to let them perform a suction to extract all my pregnancy tissues, placenta and whatever that is. I know I have to get myself out of that denial state sooner or later, no matter how unwilling I am. For the first time, I'm going to be knocked out by general anesthesia and lie on the operating bed.
Well, the only one who can console me best now is probably Angel. She hugged me when I cried, she patted my tummy and still told me to be careful of baby, she smiled at me and seemed to tell me that things will be all right soon. She is also the reason why I want to keep myself strong, keep myself safe, keep myself positive. I still have this lovely little girl to look after and even when my world comes tumbling down, she will always be there with me, giving me faith, hope and strength.
To my hubby, sorry for putting you through this ordeal. I know we are both tormented by this waiting game and devastated by the fact that even our last ray of hope was demolished today. Let's hope that the operation goes smoothly later and this matter will have a closure and enable us to move on, ok? I will be fine, I promise.
To the baby I once had but lost, please know that mummy loves you with all she has and always will. ~Summer~ 12:23 AM
Hi, I am currently going through what I would say is the toughest period of my life so far in all my 28 years.
All I can do is to cling on to that possibly 0.01% of hope and wish with all my heart that a miracle does happen.
So, I will likely be taking a break from blogging for a while, but will definitely be back to write my story and more updates about my life.
Till then, please pray for me and wish me luck. Cheers!
~Summer~ 5:32 PM
My name: Summer Goh Yun Shuang
My wish: To lead a life with no regrets..
My belief: Life is beautiful & always full of hope.. Quote of the season: A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for...