Monday, October 10, 2011
I've gotta be strong..
So, I decided to summarize my story here.
Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop as I typed this. I am not allowed to have any food or drinks, I am mentally preparing myself for what's going to happen in a couple of hours, I am still somewhat in denial over what happened.
The truth is as of today, I am 9 weeks pregnant. I still am, because my pregnancy hormones are increasing. The thing is, the doctors told me that my little baby was gone as early, or even earlier than, when I was 6 weeks pregnant. How could it be? I felt more pregnant than my first pregnancy, I had all the symptoms still and even my tummy was starting to show. Jw said that my 2-month old tummy this time looked like my 4-month old tummy previously! We were starting to think of names for our baby, guessing the gender, thinking of where to put the cot, and visualising our last summer hols in Sweden next year as a family of 4!
If not for the few drops of spotting I had at 6w2d, which the midwife actually told me it was nothing to worry and I did not need to go to the hospital, (which I did not heed and insisted on an ultrasound at the A&E), I would still be thinking that I am 9w pregnant now because there were subsequently no signs.
Which was why I told myself to cling on to the hope I have in my heart. The hope I got from reading so many other pregnant mums out there who got misdiagnosed or whose babies showed up only after 8-9 weeks. I waited. One week. Two weeks. Three weeks. I had a total of 4 u/s and all the doctors only verified my worst nightmare.
Sadly, my gestational sac is still empty as of today. Despite it is growing (at a super slow rate) and that my placenta and other pregnancy tissues are forming too.
Yes, can you believe it? The only thing missing is a foetus, which alone should measure roughly 2.7cm by now and my sac alone wasn't even 2 cm.
I officially have a blighted ovum. It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the resulting embryo stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Since the gynae said that she believed I did have an embryo, just that it stopped developing, it meant that I did have, but lost, a baby.
There's pretty nothing much anyone can say now that will make me feel better. Yes, I have made peace with this matter and my tears have stopped. Everyone can say things like "At least you are young and can try again", "What matters is you are safe", "Things like that happen around the world", "It probably wasn't meant to be". BUT, the truth is that it still happened to me and nonetheless of how many kids I might have in future, it doesn't alter the sad fact that I just lost my baby. Do you understand? Maybe you will know my grief, if you have been through the same plight. If there was one thing I can remove from this world, it would be miscarriages. All mums deserve to have a safe, happy, healthy kid at the end of every pregnancy.
If you know me, I am such a sentimental, emotional and idealistic person which is why this blow is such a harsh one in my face. And my heart,
it is bleeding. For now, I am just hoping that the operation goes smoothly later and tomorrow will be a brand new start. Yes, I'm heeding the doctor's advice, finally, to have a minor operation to let them perform a suction to extract all my pregnancy tissues, placenta and whatever that is. I know I have to get myself out of that denial state sooner or later, no matter how unwilling I am. For the first time, I'm going to be knocked out by general anesthesia and lie on the operating bed.
Well, the only one who can console me best now is probably Angel. She hugged me when I cried, she patted my tummy and still told me to be careful of baby, she smiled at me and seemed to tell me that things will be all right soon. She is also the reason why I want to keep myself strong, keep myself safe, keep myself positive. I still have this lovely little girl to look after and even when my world comes tumbling down, she will always be there with me, giving me faith, hope and strength.
To my hubby, sorry for putting you through this ordeal. I know we are both tormented by this waiting game and devastated by the fact that even our last ray of hope was demolished today. Let's hope that the operation goes smoothly later and this matter will have a closure and enable us to move on, ok? I will be fine, I promise.
To the baby I once had but lost, please know that mummy loves you with all she has and always will.
~Summer~ 12:23 AM