Monday, June 06, 2011
Probably out of 100 blog entries I post, only 1 is about sad things and the rest are happy things.
But today, this one has got to be one of the saddest.
I was supposed to come back from a simple, fun-filled weekend spent at Olands Animal and Amusement Park. I did have so much fun. Till we reached home. Come to think of it, today's been an unlucky day for me. I fell down from the second storey at our cottage and my hand bled in four places and my butt hurt. I then bumped my head on two occasions. Maybe they were a sign that today is going to be a bad day for me.
It's probably my worst day since the day he proposed to me on the Eiffel Tower four years back. The day when he threw away his cigarette butt, saying that once he got married, he will definitely kick the habit. I dunno why. But I believed in his promises. I always did. And this is definitely not the first one that didn't come true.
Just now, while searching high and low for my missing camera, I happened to feel his berms pocket and fell smtg similar in shape to my cam. Alas, not only was it not my digicam, it was a box of Marlboro cigarettes. And so when I questioned about it, the truth came out. He's been lying to me for the past 3 or more years. Yesh, it's a lie that long. I just instantly felt like an idiot, like a fool, like a silly wife who held so much faith in her hubby.
There were many times when other people cast their suspicion on him, while some even hinted that he might be smoking. You know what? I dismissed them totally because I knew that the jw I know will never ever lie to me. I told them they were mistaken or heard wrongly. I told them how much I believed in my hubby and how nice he's been since we got married and that he really really was someone I could trust. I did so, dear, With all my heart. I stood up for you every single time.
But why is it that now, I find out that they were all right to have their doubts about you, and I was the silly one who still trusted you with every beat of my heart. Why? That's the most hurtful part of it all. You were the one I thought was most honest, truthful and would never lie to me.
Every time you came back smelling of smoke, you said it's caused by others.
The last time you went to party, you got dead drunk. While taking off your pants, your lighter and cigarettes fell out. You said they belonged to Gallen. And that you smoked without realising nor remembering it. Sounds ridiculous, but still, I believed you.
Every time when your mouth would stink, I asked you, you said it's coffee.
Every time for the past few years, when I asked you did you smoke, your reply was "Dear, I didn't smoke. I don't smoke already."
How should I react now that I know they were all fake and all lies? How could it be for so long, more than three years and I stuck to my own silly trust? What should I do? I don't know. I cried and cried. And my heart felt so much pain.
The picture I painted of a wonderful, trustworthy hubby is now gone. I don't know how from tomorrow onwards, I can look at you and still feel the same old trust I had in you. Trust is like glass, once broken, no matter how you mend it, there's always a crack. And the picture I always held in my heart of a very happy family of three, the one I always feel proud to blog about, to make videos of, that picture is now scarred. Don't blame me for feeling this way. You have no idea the hole you've dug in my heart. You know jolly well how easily hurt I can be, and to be in the dark for over three years, with you smoking a pack every few days behind me, smoking with all your buddies when you get the chance to, and yet in front of me keeping the lie, it just ain't right.
Why do guys all like to lie and then say that "If I told you the truth, you'll be hurt", and then give them a reason to continue their wrongdoing? And when the showdown happens, just say that "See, I knew this would happen, that's why I lie to you". Come on. It doesn't help. One year, two years, three years, a decade, for how long can you keep up the lie? And when it's discovered, what happens? Breakup? Treat it like nothing happened? What do you want us to do?
I don't usually talk this way, right? So when I do, you know that I'm really very hurt and affected. My tears are still flowing though everyone is fast asleep in the house. I just feel so sorry the whole thing happened like that. And that I cried and flared up, uncontrollably, in front of my baby. She got frightened and she cried with me. I never cried like that in front of her before. I'm sure she's scared and scarred too. Sorry, my dear Angel. Mummy didn't mean to do that to you. I just can't help but feeling so so so sad about everything.
Our previous quarrels were always about booze and drinking. How you would not be able to control your liquor, get foolishly drunk, say stupid and sometimes vulgar words to me, act overly intimately with others, or reached home drunk and puked over the floor and made my night a mess. But you would always claim that you forgot. Just when I thought giving birth to Angel helped us rid alot of our vice habits and make our family a harmonious and happy one, now do I realise that you haven't kept your word and while I was pregnant, giving birth and raising Angel all this while, you had something hiding from me. A promise you made to me when you proposed, and you said that if we were going to have a family, even more so you wouldn't want to smoke. You said it all. Was it just a show? Just an act? Or just a promise that you didn't want to keep in the first place but said it so that I would agree to your proposal? (You didn't even had a ring!! But I had so much trust in your words.)
You said it was impossible to tell me the truth. But you know what, I'm sure we could work out a compromise somehow, like you could smoke when you go sailing cos' you feel stressed. We could work out an open, honest and fair solution to all if we had negotiated. Not this, not do it behind walls and let me find out a few years later and realised how naive I was. It's probably a thousand times worse.
If there's anyone who can teach me how to build up trust once more, please do. Because I just feel kinda hopeless now. Time will probably help to lessen the hurt as it always does, but I don't know how to make things go back to the way they used to be before today. For the first time, I'm feeling a low in my usually very happy marriage and family. It sux. And if you're reading this but don't understand why it's such a big deal to me, that's probably because you're not me and you don't understand how I'm feeling. But I promise I'll get better. I always do. Good nitez.
~Summer~ 4:19 AM